Birthday Eve

To My Sweet Clara Girl,

Tonight is your birthday eve.  I have been sentimental all month (who are we kidding, all year), but tonight I pretty much just want to sit on the floor of the nursery with a tub of ice cream and watch you sleep. I want to see your beautiful long eyelashes against your chubby baby cheeks and hear your cute little sighs, because today more than ever I'm acutely aware of how fast you are changing.   I cannot believe that tomorrow my little baby turns one.  You have brought so much happiness to me, and I want to get those feelings down for you to read someday.

When you were first born and the doctor handed you to me, I remember looking at your little face and being terrified.  I didn't have a lot of experience with babies, and you were so tiny and fragile. I worried about everything.  Would we bond?  Would I be able to keep you safe?  How would your daddy and I handle a new family member? Then I remember being up in the night with you about a month after we brought you home and realizing that somehow in that short amount of time I had come to love you more than I knew I was capable of loving.  I felt like the Grinch, whose heart grew three sizes that day.  I loved your daddy more for giving me you and being such a great dad and partner.  I loved your Nona and Papa more for doing all the things for me 23 years ago that I do for you.  I loved Heavenly Father more for sending me a blessing more precious than I had ever comprehended.

Clara, you are happy, curious, and fearless, and I hope you always stay that way.  You are everything I wanted you to be, everything I imagined you would be when I was up all night during my pregnancy because you wouldn't stop kicking. I love watching you discover the world.  This week you are into ceiling fans, flowers, puppies, and balloons.  You love to play outside and crawl through the tunnels at the park.  Who knows what you will love next week.  Daddy and I make the most ridiculous faces and noises trying to make you laugh, because you have the more adorable, deep, belly laugh we have ever heard.  I think you are the most special, wonderful, beautiful baby who ever existed, and if you think I'm bad, you should see Daddy. 

One of my favorite stories about your dad and you happened a few months ago.  I had an appointment in the morning, so your dad was going to drop you off at your Mimi's on his way to work.  Right after you two left, I texted her to let her know you would be there soon, and what your eating and napping schedule would look like.  A half hour later I got a nervous call from your Mimi saying that Daddy had never dropped you off.  I instantly got worried that you had been in a wreck or something had happened.  It turns out that instead of taking you to Mimi's, your daddy just took you to work with him.  Daddy loves you so much and is so proud of you, that he just wanted to spend another hour playing with you and showing you off. You love your daddy, and get the sweetest smile on your face when he walks in the door.  I think that's the best moment of the day for both of you.

Being a dad has brought out a whole new side of your daddy that I had never seen.  He told me that he got so excited the first time he saw you, and he has been doing everything he can to be the best father to you ever since.  I love to listen to him read you stories in a sing-song voice he saves for you.  You two love to wrestle together, and be loud and wild.  Even people at church comment to me about what a sweet daddy he is, and how obviously smitten he is with you.  Some nights he stays in your room with you until you fall asleep just because he wants another few minutes together.  He loves you so much.

I like to think that being a mother and having you in my life is softening some of my rough edges.  I am slowly learning to let things go, and to hold back snarky or unkind thoughts.  Being a parent is definitely humbling, and I am learning to be more empathetic and slower to judge.  I still have such a long ways to go, but thank you for being my motivation to be better.  I want to be the best mama to you, and you are helping me learn how to get there.

I wish there were better, more descriptive, more powerful words I could use to explain how much your dad and I love you.  I remember being happy before you were born, but it doesn't even compare to the complete joy that having you in our family has given me.  You won't understand it today, but someday you will hold a beautiful sweet baby in your arms and all of a sudden you'll think 'yeah, I get it now'.   Happy birthday my sweet girl.  I can't wait for another year of adventures with you.

 When did this little thing....

turn into this spunky girl!