I've always been a scorekeeper, and while I've tried to curb that tendency since I've been married, it's been hard. I've always felt pressure to "keep up" with Erik. If he worked a 14-hour day, when he got home I wanted enough to show to prove that I worked a 14-hour day too. As he's been more successful at the dealership I've tried to up my game and do better with my own work and also in wifey stuff. Turns out the competition's over. Final score: Erik--8,432,687, Shanna-- well she's growing a baby and that's good too.
I have been so dependent on Erik these last few weeks. He brings me cereal and a drink to take my pill in the morning before he leaves for work, he calls me during the day to check on me, has his own busy, stressful, and long day, and then comes home, makes me eat, and rubs my feet while we watch the Voice. On my particularly bad days he has even been known to give me a piggy back ride up the stairs. Today he had the day off and we wanted McDonald's breakfast. He got an me an egg mcmuffin AND cinnamon melts because I insisted that's what I wanted, even though he knew full well I couldn't eat both. And then when he was totally right he didn't even say "I told you so." If that ain't love then I don't know what love is (name that song anyone??).
Early on in my sick-period I stressed a lot because in my mind I was falling behind and not keeping up with Erik. I actually worried how it would affect our relationship when I wasn't pulling my weight. The funny part is I have never felt so secure in my marriage as I do right now. It's really beautiful to me that I am at my absolute worst and Erik is making me feel more loved than I have ever felt. It relieves a lot of my worries about impending motherhood-- How will I know what to do when I'm alone with the baby? How will we adjust to me not having the same amount of time to dedicate to work and household stuff? What if I gain a lot of weight?-- I feel like if I do my best that will be enough for Erik, and that makes it enough for me. It also makes me feel good about who I picked to be the dad to my babies. It will be a lot of learning and trial-and-error for both of us, but there's absolutely no one I would rather take this adventure with. I always say this to my little sister, but I can't stress it enough-- Marry a winner.
I still hate being sick and hate feeling limited in the things I can do each day. I can't wait to be able to open the fridge without wanting to puke or go to the store without a baggy of pretzels in my purse. But maybe being sick isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me if I not only get a baby at the end of it, but it helps me appreciate Erik more (and Erik gets some practice taking care of someone with roughly the same capabilities as an infant). This last picture is the teddy bear Erik got for the baby that I commandeered to snuggle while he's at work. His name is Beary and he's seen me throw up way more than any stuffed animal ought to have witnessed.
