Fall

I'm feeling good tonight.  I love back-to-school time. Call me nerdy, but I love when the stores get all their school supplies and dorm gear out.  There's just something so stinking cute about little kids trying out way too big backpacks, and I like scoring a bunch of new notebooks for 15 cents each.

This fall is lining up pretty nicely here at the Kaltschmidt house.  Erik has some business trips lined up, and in November we're going to Mexico.  Erik won us a free trip because he's champ like that.  The summer rush will be over at the business, which means he won't be getting home quite so late, which I'll definitely like.  Football is starting, which is great for Erik, less great for me.  We just got cable in our theater room, so Erik can watch the Seahawks on the big screen.

During the summer I've had a lot of uncertainty over what I would be doing in the Fall.  Last year I loved all the things I was involved with--  Head Start, piano, cheer, school, church calling, wifey stuff-- but it was definitely a lot. I was running all over the place all the time, and I felt like I wasn't giving anyone my best effort because I had too many irons in the fire.  Mentally I like to think I can handle more than my body actually can, and Erik and I ended up sick off-and-on all winter.  We both agreed that something would have to be different this year.

But then summer came, and I went from busy busy days to long lonely days.  I've hated how little I've had going on this summer.  Honestly it really took a toll on my self-esteem and my marriage.  I would feel so bad about myself because I wasn't making money, raising kids, or making the world a better place, and I would spend all day self-loathing, and then I would take a lot of that out on Erik.  That wasn't fair.  I couldn't wait for fall to come so I could get back in the swing of things.

I want to take just a brief deviation from my original topic to talk about self-esteem for a moment.  I've learned this summer that I had my self-esteem built on all the wrong things.  Growing up I based my self-esteem on doing well in school, which is good, but ultimately unimportant and unsustainable as a foundation.  I'm embarrassed to say in college I based my self-esteem on looking cute and going on lots of dates.  That was neither good nor important.  After I got married I based my self-esteem on the idea of trying to do it all--  go to school, make money, be a good wife, be skinny, etc. and that's just discouraging because there's always more I could/should be doing and there's always someone doing it better.  As I look forward and look at the kind of person I really want to be I realize I've been doing it all wrong.  I need to build my self-esteem foundation on things that matter and things that are permanent-- to me that means my marriage (my relationship, not my wifey skills) and the gospel.  Too personal for a blog?  Sorry.

Anyways, back to my main topic, Erik and I knew that something needed to be different, but I was too attached to everything I did last year that I couldn't choose what to give up.  Eventually the decision was made for me, because my position at Head Start got cut.  On one hand, I'm so disappointed.  I loved having a job utilizing my social work skills, I loved my coworkers, and I really believe in the organization and its purpose.  On the other hand, it's a little bit of a relief.  I still have a full schedule for the fall-- 22 piano students, a cheer squad, classes, and a house and husband to take care of.  I feel like that will be perfect for me.  Enough to feel like I'm busy and contributing, but still few enough that I feel like I can do things right.  I can be a good visiting teacher, I can work on personal development, I can relax every now and then but still meet all my professional and personal obligations.

It will be a little hard for me.  I get jealous when I read all my social work friends' blogs and hear about the cool job they have and all the people they're helping.  But Erik has Tuesdays, not Saturdays off, and we've decided that it's a priority for us to have time off together, so I chose cheerleading and piano over social work.  I get embarrassed when people ask me what I do.  I look at the floor and mumble something about music lessons and the high school.  But part of my goal for this fall is to learn to be proud of my decisions.  We talked, we prayed, and this what we feel like is best for our family, and that's nothing to be embarrassed about.  And in the Spring I'll have a Masters degree.  I think that's pretty cool and I'm glad to have this time to focus on my education and I'm glad Erik is so supportive.

So that's that.  That's what we're up to this Fall.  And like I said at the beginning of this post, tonight I'm feeling good about it.